Special report by Margaret Komishon
Confidence can be elusive – one day you have it, the next your palms sweat at the mere thought of giving a presentation at work. Being a confident woman takes some introspection and a little work.
Most women don’t wake up 24/7 and find themselves being confident.
It is a process and it does take a certain ability to get over things which may at times hurt, including failed relationships, lost jobs, the death of loved ones etc. Confidence is often understood as an outward thing. Expressed in the way we dress or behave, carry ourselves or talk.
But true confidence; the type that is not dented or bruised by the opinion or behavior of others, goes a lot deeper than clothing or superficial things. The type of confidence many woman are looking for, simply cannot be found in the quick purchase of a new dress or handbag.
Whilst these ‘quick fixes’ may make us feel attractive or stylish, this type of confidence is fleeting and in order to maintain it you have to keep whipping out your credit card and doing more of the same. So what are the ways that we can become more confident in our lives, but more importantly, what are the ways that we can maintain that confidence?
And why is that important?
As Paris Hilton states because “No matter what a woman looks like, if she’s confident, she’s sexy.”
Below you will find a list of guaranteed confidence builders and some proactive steps you can take to start living with more confidence in your life on a daily basis.
Step 1: Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy
“Don’t compromise yourself. You are all you’ve got.” – Janis Joplin
How do you speak about yourself, or more importantly ‘to’ yourself? I bet you’ll find you can be incredibly unkind in the way you speak to yourself.
I’m talking about the harsh words and unfair criticisms we say to ourselves when we look in the mirror and see that despite our deep desire, we don’t look like a supermodel.
“You’re fat, you have a big nose, and your bum is huge.”
Sounds familiar?
If you find yourself having this type of negative internal dialogue with yourself, you need to stop it right now. Change the record. Every time you find yourself speaking unkind words to yourself, stop yourself in your tracks and find something complimentary to say about yourself.
This will be hard to start off with as you’re so used to saying uncomplimentary things, but don’t move until you can find something nice to say about yourself.
This is vital because … “The way you treat yourself sets the standard for others.” – Sonya Friedman If you find there are people in your life that don’t treat you with the level of respect and appreciation that you deserve, it may be time to sever ties with those people.
Despite our best intentions, we sometimes can’t help but be affected by the harsh words or treatment of others, especially if it’s coming from people that we love or respect. The sooner that you realize that people only ‘treat you the way that you let them’; the sooner you will start to insist that the people in your life behave in a way that validates them being there. If these people are family members this could be hard, but you can limit contact with them, or even better; tell them how the way they treat you makes you feel.
If this lack of respect is coming from within your relationship or friendships, then it’s time to have a heart to heart and let them know that treating you or talking to you in this way is unacceptable, and has to stop. If it doesn’t stop, part from these offending people.
They don’t deserve to hang out with someone as amazing as you.
Step 2: Stop Comparing Yourself To Your Friends, Celebrities & Random Women on the Street
There is only one YOU!
The day you realize that there is nothing wrong with you and that you’re fantastic, exactly as you are, will be not only a wonderful but truly life changing day.
As women, the temptation to constantly compare ourselves to other women can sometimes be overwhelming. And at times it can seem like every woman in the world is more: beautiful, talented, successful or in a better relationship than us.
The reality is that this is not the case.
What is even sadder is the time we spend comparing ourselves to women who often feel the same negative way about themselves, as we do! Make a commitment to simply being ‘the best you’. Acknowledge your special beauty and unique talents.
Stop wasting time by constantly comparing yourself to air brushed images of celebrities. If you need to stop buying celebrity magazines in order to do this, then do so.
Treat yourself with the money you save to a nice spa treatment or two…you’re worth it!
Step 3: Trust Your Gut & Take Risks
“You only ever grow as a human being if you’re outside your comfort zone.” – Percy Cerutty
This is a tough one, because if you’re lacking confidence you’re likely not used to going with your gut.
In fact, you might be ignoring all sorts of signals you’re getting for fear of making the wrong decision. But in order to be confident you need to trust your instincts – they’re usually right.
Confident people are good at making decisions because they don’t second-guess how they feel. They look inward for insights into which way to go, choose a direction and start moving. There may be bumps in the road and setbacks to deal with but rarely will they stand at the fork in the road and wait for an answer to fall out of the sky.
And because answers rarely fall from the sky, I suggest making better use of your gut to make clear decisions that you can feel good about. Taking risks will help give you a new perspective on how much you’re capable of.
If you don’t push yourself or do things that scare you, you’ll never know how much you can handle.
Doing something every day that puts you slightly outside of your comfort zone will help you feel more capable, confident and ready to take charge more often.
For example you can…
Make small talk at work with someone you don't know very well.
Speak up in a meeting.
Take a class to learn something new.
Go somewhere solo – to dinner, a movie or a concert.
Pitch a new idea to your boss.
Step 4: Get Active & Look After Yourself
This is not about being a size 6 and working out in the gym obsessively; this is about being healthy and in optimum condition.
Even if you would like a body that is different to the one you currently have, the only way this can be achieved, is by appreciating and caring for the body you already have.
Find something that is active and you enjoy doing and include it into your daily routine. This may be hard to establish in the beginning, especially if you are not used to regular exercise, so start gently and increase your level of activity as your fitness improves.
The most important thing is to find something, or even better, a few things, which you will stick to.
Step 5: Treat Yourself To Experiences
Not Things Treating yourself to things is easy; you know what you like, so you get your purse out and make the purchase.
But when you treat yourself to experiences, you get out of your comfort zone and get to try things you have never done before.
It’s a win-win situation as when you realize just how capable and adaptable you really are, you’ll feel far more confident.
Whatever that ‘thing’ is that you have been dreaming about doing for years, decide that this will be the year you actually make it happen. Write yourself a list of all the things you would like to experience in life and make a commitment to working through the list.
That feeling of ticking experiences off the list is very satisfying and will fill you with a sense of confidence and achievement far more enduring than a new dress bought in the sales.
Step 6: Expect Success & Embrace the Unexpected
Confident people expect to win.
They may not end up on top, but they don’t expect to be on the bottom either.
So to feel more confident believe that you’re capable. It can be frightening to think of yourself as a success – picturing yourself getting the job, winning the contract or getting the promotion – because the sting of disappointment is much greater when you can taste success.
But that’s the risk you have to take if you want to tap into your confident side. If you don’t believe that you can do whatever it is you’re trying to do, and don’t expect that you’re going to succeed, your shot of getting there just diminished.
You might not get what you were after but believing it’s possible is a much better option than giving up before you start.
Once you can get more comfortable expecting success, the next step is to learn to go with the flow when things don’t go your way.
Confident people are ready for anything and don't get disturbed by much. When they expect to succeed – and then don’t, or they get a result they didn’t anticipate, they don’t retreat in embarrassment, they just keep moving forward.
The more you face the unexpected head-on, the easier you will get to go through life feeling like you can handle anything that comes your way – the true mark of a confident person.
Conclusion
You being confident is you expressing your freedom.
You are free to speak, free to create ideas, free to approve and disapprove. You are at no one’s mercy because you are you and you have your own ideas and principles, be confident of them! If all else fails, the old adage of ‘faking it until you make it’ still holds true.
Even if you don’t feel confident, you can still act confident, and often the former will follow the latter.
People respond well to confidence, so the more you can act the part – smile, make eye contact, speak clearly, ask for what you want, be direct – the better you’ll fare, everywhere from work meetings to cocktail parties.
It’s time you wear Confidence like make-up!
Key Points:
- Stop Being Your Own Worst Enemy – The first step to building true confidence is to be kinder to yourself. The negative self-talk can be damaging, so it’s important to replace it with positive affirmations and set boundaries with those who don’t treat you with the respect you deserve.
- Stop Comparing Yourself to Others – Comparing yourself to friends, celebrities, or random people on the street only erodes your confidence. Celebrate your unique qualities and focus on being the best version of yourself, rather than trying to fit into an idealized mold.
- Trust Your Gut & Take Risks – Confidence grows when you trust your intuition and take risks. Doing something outside your comfort zone, like speaking up in a meeting or pitching a new idea, helps you build belief in your abilities.
- Get Active & Look After Yourself – Physical well-being plays a big role in confidence. Find activities you enjoy and make them part of your routine. Feeling healthy and strong naturally boosts your self-esteem.
- Treat Yourself to Experiences, Not Things – Instead of buying more material items, focus on enriching experiences that push you beyond your comfort zone. This sense of achievement can have a longer-lasting impact on your confidence.
- Expect Success & Embrace the Unexpected – Confidence comes from believing in your abilities and expecting good things to happen. Even when things don’t go as planned, having a mindset that embraces the unexpected helps you adapt and remain confident.
Finally, faking it until you make it is a useful tactic. Acting confident, even when you don’t feel it, can often bring about real confidence over time. So, wear your confidence as boldly as makeup—it’s an expression of who you are!
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